The Cumulative Effect

A concept we often refer to in yoga is: effort is cumulative.  Because yoga is a practice, you see over time that the quanitity and quality of all the effort you make is both motivating and rewarding. 

The kidlings left this morning, back to school after their second week of Christmas break - the first one spent with their mom and their second one spent with us.  JC took the week off, to spend time with the kids, ski with them, enjoy the holiday time a little. 

I did a little internal gearing up for the past week, as we usually do not have the kidlings for a full week at a time and I wanted to prepare myself a bit for the time they would be here.  I don't know what that means, exactly, how I think I can "prepare myself" for a week with the kids.  Because the holidays make my job busier and more stressful, I couldn't take any time off the relax in preparation for their arrival, nor was I able to take any extra time off while they were with us.  All you can really do is just go with the flow.

And they were great all week.  A few normal kid issues, but morning to morning, evening to evening, I felt great interacting with them, individually and as a family.  They skied almost every day with JC, we had nice meals at night together, we created special moments for them because it is the holidays, and overall , it was probably the best week we have spent together as a family.

So why did I fall apart on Sunday?  Why did I have to leave them skiing, and come home to collect myself?  What was it I needed and why couldn't it wait until today, Monday, when I have the entire day to myself, not working?

My conclusion is this: I get recharged by silence and solitude.  I need to be recharged after my job on a daily basis.  My position requires me to anticipate guests' needs while handling an constant influx of requests and demands (they are interchangeable concepts depending on my mood).  So I have to handle fires that are burning in the present, while looking for smoke on the horizon and deciding how that fire should or could be extinguished.  And I have to be really fucking nice while I do all of that.

Sound familiar?  It's also called parenting. 

I have a friend in Hawaii who has 4 kids, 3 at the time that I was there and we were spending lots of time together.  I remember getting so frustrated with her inability to put any of her needs first.  I just didn't get it.  Her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health was constantly compromised because she placed her kids' needs ahead of hers 100% of the time, and I just could not, for the life of me, wrap my head around why she kept doing it.  Well, now I get it.

The brutal truth is that kids are a huge distraction.  From what?  From myself.  When I came home from work every night, their dinner was more important than mine; their chores were more important than mine; their happiness and comfort level took priority.  When it was time for me, it was time for bed.  (I like to sleep.) 

Evening to evening none of this felt amiss.  I wasn't resentful about any of this (nor am I now), and it didn't feel like some Herculean effort, it's just what you do.  Keep in mind that as a stepmonster I now have a vested interest in our family time being harmonious.  The happier we all are, the happier we all are.

But what happened was the effort became cumulative.  As my week wore on I was experiencing a cumulative effect with stress and tiredness at work, as well as at home.  Sunday rolls around (I worked Saturday) and I woke up over it.  And feeling guilty about feeling over it.  I was totally discombobulated, having forgotten to pay bills, bring my ski pants home, take a key to a friend who needed it, etc., etc.

By the time we got up on the ski area I had skis on the wrong feet, no hood on my jacket and I started to feel bottled up and short-fused. 

Part of what is challenging is the guilt.   What is fair?  How much effort is enough?  Too much?  How much alone time is enough?  Too much?

Thank god JC is so understanding.  Not only has he dated women who have their own kids, this is his third time around dating a woman who brings no kids to his kid-filled life.  So he gets it on both sides.

We watched The Muppet Show last night with guest star Rita Moreno:

Somehow watching her and Animal performing "Fever" made it all right.  Watch it.  It's worth it.

So in conclusion, my thoughts are this:  is it more challenging for me because they aren't my kids?  Putting someone else's needs first is challenging enough, but especially so when you don't have that extra something (like, I carried you for 9 months and then gave birth to you) to fall back on.  Or is it more challenging for parents who have their own kids because it isn't even a choice, it is felt so deeply?  I guess you could argue it both ways, but the bottom line is you have to do what works.