Mondays is band practice night for JC, who drives out to Ophir to play in the town hall, usually from 6-11 or some variant of that time frame. I got out of work early on Monday (cooelst boss ever move) so I came home and JC left and everything was set up for hunky-doryness... except it just didn't play out that way. By the time I sat down the read "A Cricket in Times Square" to the kidlings the evening had turned out to be one challenging moment after another, with me feeling like I had handled every one poorly.
Looking back, it was probably Just One of Those Nights, but in the thick of it I was struggling with the following self-defeating thoughts and emotions:
- What would JC do in the scenario? Does that really matter - why would I not do what I would do in the scenario? What I would do is not nearly as kind as what JC would do, so do I do what he would do or do I act in a way that is normal behavior to me?
- Why have we not set the kids up for more success by forseeing these scenarios and already having a plan in place so I don't have to figure this all out now, at 7:45pm?
- Why is this so hard for me?
- Do I ignore all these little issues that keep popping up and continue on my plan of a pleasant evening just for the sake of saying we had a pleasant evening? If I do that, am I just expanding a role of Disney-Dad's new wife life?
- Why is it so important to me that an evening alone with the kidlings is super fun and we all get along? What is more important, having a fun evening with them or sussing out some gaps in our parenting so we can position ourselves for better evenings in the future?
- Is there some kind of pill I can take to make all this seem less overwhelming? (turns out there is, quite a few actually, but I am in possession of none of them).
- Why am I reading "We Need to Talk About Kevin" when I find it so traumatizing?
The truth of the matter is, all of those are valid questions but none of them can be answered when you are trying to muddle your way through a tricky evening, balancing the needs and wants of three humans.
It is important to me that on evenings when JC is gone, the kids are happy and trusting with me and they look forward to it. And I did discover some gaps in our routine that we need to tighten up so that the chances of a night like this happening again are reduced.
But overall, what was so difficult was that it tapped into a deep insecurity that I simply do not naturally possess the qualities of a good mother (or step-mother). Which is the reason why I never wanted to have kids of my own. It is so easy to get bogged down in a mental or emotional state that kind of feeds on itself, like each incident that arose was just popcorn being tossed in the mouth of my own I Can't Parent As Well As JC demon.
So as I said above, when the kids were nestled in their beds listening to the final 2 chapters of "A Cricket in Times Square" and I was showing them the drawings of the cat, the mouse and the cricket, reading about the cricket's decision to leave the city and return to his friends and family in the Connectibut countryside, I think we all shared a sigh of relief: who can't relate to a time in your life when you have to make a difficult decision - do I stay or do I go? All the animals, plus the kidlings and I, agreed that it was better for Chester to do what makes him happy rather than stay in a situation where he is only making other people happy.
And with the lights out and the snow falling and the image of Chester seeing his acquaintances again in the fadins late summer light, the evening drew to a close, none for the worse of it.
And then I read that awful book until JC got home and barfed all over him about my lame night. I figured it was either that or did on Valentine's morning and who wants to hear about that kind of stuff over coffee?
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