Wednesday, August 22

Sunday was the first day I felt normal again.  It was our 8th day home and the week had been a struggle.  While it was nice to have 40 hours of work to focus on, I watched myself go through the motions of my normal life, yet none of it felt normal.  The first time my heart rate got elevated on a hike, I revisited the panic and stress and anxiety of being in the water.  I woke up almost every night with absolutely no idea whose house I was in or who was in bed beside me.  I got a sub to teach my yoga class, as the thought of being in front of people and telling them how to move their bodies filled me with dread.  Food was immensely unappealing.  My thoughts were disembodied, hazy and haphazard.  Part of me wanted to see friends and share my story and the other part of me wanted to hide in my house and sleep.

But it got better.  We climbed two peaks over the weekend: Wasatch on Saturday and Greenback on Sunday, and getting my heart rate up and being up amidst the peaks and clouds felt good.  Nothing like climbing a mountain or two to make food appealing again.

Here is what has helped us move forward:

• John's death was fast.  He died healthy and happy and we all will remember him that way.  We were with him and he knew it.
• The kids learned a lot about how adults handle trauma, make sound and sensitive decisions, and move forward together.  They did great.  We made a conscious effort to model behavior that they can reflect at the time and perhaps retain as adults for their own challenging situations.
• JC feels vastly closer to my family, and me to his, as we mobilized to support each other when we most needed it.  He has been telling people, "The Sparacinos were great."
• I finally got to meet everyone on his mom's and dad's sides.  I was oddly comforted by friends and family telling me how much his dad liked me, and JC and me together.
• JC and I know what we can handle, as a couple and as parents.  We stuck together, we checked in with each other to assess who needs what, and we willingly gave it to each other.
• The depth of caring in our community here in Telluride has been genuinely and openly expressed.  We are loved here.
• We spent enough time at the beach after the Event, as well as in Vermont after the funeral, to add some truly pleasant memories to our time in each location.  It ended on a high note, the kids hanging with their cousins and us making plans for more time together in the future.

So here we are.  The kids come back tomorrow night, and start school on Monday.  We will probably spend the weekend intermixing beautiful late summer hikes with music in Town Park at a festival before settling into our next week.  I stayed after work and got a massage from Teresa, who might have the strongest fingers of any human this side of the Continental Divide.  JC is at band practice in Ophir.

Life goes on as usual but it just doesn't feel the same.  Not yet at least.  Fortunately we always seem to have a lot to look forward to: a few more peaks before the summer season fades, then desert season, then ski season....