Phelps Takes A Hit

I'm sure by now we have all seen the photo of Our Olympian The Greatest Athlete Ever Mr. Eight Gold Medals with his hand confidently wrapped around a twelve inch waterpipe, filling what may be some of the largest lungs on the planet with the sweet sweet smoke of...tobacco? Well, technically that's what they're made for, right? And we all know what immediately follows a bonghit of that size and with what is undoubtedly some of the highest quality tobacco available to rich Clemson students: an apology (cough cough).

Phelps said: "I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

Am I the only one who feels that his script should have a read a little more like this?
"I engaged in behavior which was unregrettable and a hell of a lot of fun, demonstrating judgment consistent with that of my immediate environment--a frat house in the South. I'm 23 years old, for chrissakes, and because of the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and entirely appropriate way, although perhaps not in a manner people who don't even know me have come to expect from me. For this, I will not apologize. I cannot make a promise I might not keep and if your idea of a role model does not include someone cutting loose after swimming SEVEN DAYS A WEEK for the better part of 12 years so you get to sit on your fat asses in front of your plasma tvs with a PBR in one hand, a greasy remote in the other, and watch me blow everyone out of the water, then perhaps you might want to create a different kind of role model. Perhaps I am not your man."

But that would only happen in the absense of sponsors, in a society where athletes make as much money as, say, a university professor? In a culture where we choose role models because they are complete human beings, perfectly flawed and susceptible to all the temptations with which every human since the dawn of time has wrestled.

Phelps is known for the simplicity of his responses in press conferences and interviews. Usually he simply states, "I just swim." Maybe this time he could have stuck with "Big fucking whoop."