The Urge to Merge

That is the Immaculate Heart of Mary Retreat Center in Santa Fe, where the workshop is. We had two sessions today, 10:30 to 12:30 and then again from 4 to 6. Kelly gave me this cool ceramic travel tea mug and a little bag of lemon chiffon rooibos tea that tastes JUST LIKE lemon chiffon. It actually has this slightly creamy texture to it that balances the sharpness of the lemon. So I am sipping that and reflecting on the work I did today. I struggled for most of the day with my emotions and with my thoughts--it didn't start out very well, partly because I didn't sleep very soundly, which I usually do. I futzed around my home away from home until it was time to go and as I was heading out the door, took inventory of where I was with myself. Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and feel not just unattractive, not just plain ugly, but actually disfigured? That was me. And all the while I am thinking, What the hell? Questioning why I am here, why I practice yoga, why I don't want to teach, why I quit my job, why I am here alone...you get the drift. Feeling supremely disconnected.

Guess what the theme of the morning sessino was? Connecting. Yes, that's how this all works. The moon waxing in October is the fullest out of the whole year. It is also the time when testosterone and estrogen are at their highest. Babies conceived now have the highest chance of survival. This month, this full moon, creates in each of us the greatest urge to merge, to connect. And part of connecting is also disconnecting. Because when you merge again, it is that much sweeter. I don't remember who in my life once said, "Half the reason for getting up in the morning is knowing you can get back in at the end of the day." And there is truth in that, enough so that I think about it most mornings when my bed is about as comfortable anything anywhere.

As the practice progressed we went deeper and deeper into backbends, which literally open up your chest and your heart. I barely made it to my car in time to sit and cry quietly for a few minutes. I felt bare, exposed, raw, and pathetic. All the moments on Maui over the past 6 years that I have experienced beauty, alone, were condensed into that moment. All the meals I prepared for myself and sat at my dining room table alone, while the sun set, were magnified in that moment. And all the evenings I got into my bed alone and woke up again, alone, were illuminated. And I think for the first time, maybe ever, I gave myself permission to feel how alone I have been and the depth of that loneliness.


I have always felt lucky to have a natural enthusiasm, optimism and exuberance for life. I am also a maximizer, making the best out of pretty much any sitatuion. Because of this, I have been cruising through life, specifically on Maui, happy and light-hearted and just dealing with being alone most of the time. But I never really felt how hard it has been, how draining, until I sat in the front seat of my white Mercury and opened myself up to it.

So it was very fitting for the theme today to be all about why I left Maui, why I had to make some major changes in my life. I have felt disconected for too long.

I came "home", ate some food (including a large portion of dark chocolate) and slipped into a slumber. When I awakened, the skies were the color of soot, heavy and low and suddenly thousands of marble-sized hailstones were competing to get to the earth first. It was a huge release and I watched it with a sense of satisfaction. On the drive back to the retreat center, the air smelled like juniper berries and sage. I felt drained but good, curious about what the afternoon session held for me.

The space we are practicing in is actually a basketball court, but they completely transformed the space for us:




Hard to see, but a nice mural with fingers almost touching over the statue of Shiva Nataraj.

And there is Krishna, adorned and radiant. That one is about 5 feet tall. Nataraj on the left is 4 feet
or so.



So yeah, the afternoon session was lighter, forward folds and talks about the concept of "guru." But all in all, today was about me, I felt, and my urge to merge. To merge with the yoga community, to merge with others on a deeper level, to merge with myself, just to reconnect with the mountains too. I guess half the reason for going to Maui was knowing I could come back. And the same holds true for leaving Maui. It will make my return that much sweeter.


So I end the day with a deep sense of gratitude. What would I do without yoga? Deeply grateful for this practice, that supports me to move deeper and become more and more aware. We're all there for the same reason: want to be free of something. Maybe it's back pain for the person beside me, maybe it's feeling disconnected for me, maybe it's emotional trauma for the woman in front of me, but ultimately, we are all in that room, doing our work, breathing together, merging with the moment and the space and the intention and coming out more vibrant than we were when we stepped back into our first Downward Dog. It's good stuff.