A Hot Cup of Moment

I passed by this church on my way to and from the retreat center every day. The idea was very fitting for our last day and the theme we touched on (and the theme of this entry).

So Sunday's sessions were better, but only marginally. The morning class was almost all arm balances, which I became convinced I am terrible at. I started class in an OK space, but it quickly spiralled out of control, to where I was feeling like a terrible yogini, questioning why I can't get them, why Marc never teaches them, why I am hiding in the corner of the room...blah blah blah. You get the idea. Arm balances are all about squeezing into your midline, and a lot about trust and having faith, and by the end of class I was on my back watching the clouds outside the windows drifting by thinking, this too shall pass. Thank god for those clouds. The theme of the class was basically about digging in--if you really want something you absolutely have to make the desire to attain it vastly bigger than fear and doubt. I noticed that before I start each pose I have a bfried, yet very real thought (an affirmation, really) that I won't be able to do it! What the hell? No wonder I have been unsuccessful, right?

We talked for a bit about the end of a cycle, and how to experience it as an upward spiral with a celebratory ending, so instead of feeling let down and a little empty, you feel like the moment is reaching this last burst or explosion of energy that launches you out, ready for the next moment. And also about really savoring the moment and drinking in the uniqueness of gatherings like this, to see in an instant, that you will never experience ANYthing again the same way because even if you try to replicate it, some aspect, even if it is just one minor part, will be absent or different. So drink up!

Thankfully it was warm and crystal clear and super sunny out, so on the break I visited a cool booksore called Ark. They have tons of cool stuff, notecards, jewelry, cds, books (of course) and general new agey/Asian-inspired gifts. I could have spent lots more time and lots more money but I managed to get out of there with the new Wah! cd, a pendulum and a pop-up altars book with four deities. But most importantly, I had to get out and sit in the sun for a couple of hours before the final session at 4.

Lots of forward folds, introspection, to round out the weekend. Plus, lots of hip openers. I had forgotten that I dreamt last night that I finally got my foot behind my head and in my dream I thought, It's not so much getting your foot behind your head as much as it is getting your ankle on the back of your neck! And then we did it in class and there was my ankle on the back of my neck! Go figure.

The theme for the last class was all about the student-teacher relationship, symbolized by the sun (teacher) radiating out that revelatory light and the moon (student) reflecting back the light of learning and understanding. We are always in both roles. I sat beside Skeeter and BJ, which was good for me, and also Maryanne Garvin, who used to live in Telluride but is now in Silverton. I liked her immediately and hope we cross paths more often.

I scooted out pretty quickly without a goodbye to John, just wanted to get out of get some space to really digest and absorb my experience over the past 48 hours. That and I wanted to get up to Ten Thousand Waves, this delightful Japanese spa just outside of Santa Fe. On the drive up the canyon I was rewarded with a huge expanse of fading blue sky, purply mountains containing it on either side of the valley, and the full moon rising in the east, while the sun was drifting below the horizon in the west. Both student and teacher, shining and reflecting, together in the same sky.

The spa was fantastic. I have never been to Japan, but this place fits my perception of what it looks and feels like there, with winding gravel paths lit by little lanterns, screen doors separating bathing areas and a bunch of big white people in kimonos wandering about in a massage and hot bath-induced dreamlike state.

You get an idea of what it is like, yes? I went to the women's tub, clothing optional, and encountered 5 lesbians, some of whom were wearing men's boxer shorts and that's it. Everyone else was naked. What were they hiding? I wanted to ask but my fear that they might actually show me held me back. Plus I was plunging into the cold bath and then steaming in the sauna, then back in the cold plunge then back with my new lesbian friends and was just enjoying the high from all the temperature changes that I couldn't be bothered. I had to tear myself away from the gift shop, escaping with a red plastic squirting koi to bring to Townes, my friend's son in Telluride, and I also bought myself this hair stick (FYI: I collect hairsticks, in case anyone is considering how many shopping days are left before my birthday and/or Christmas) that is part of an old kimono encased in plastic. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it is actually really really cool in real life. I will try to get a photo of it on here in case anyone, someone, might care to see it.

On the way back to my home away from home, I did something very uncharacteristic of me, I went to a drive-in at Sonic, and got a grilled cheese!! If you have never tried one, let me tell you, you have been missing out. They use Texas toast (big, thick , fluffy slices of buttery white bread) and a few slabs of easy-to-melt American "cheese" and give it a quick turn on the grill. And it cost less than two dollars. I was quite hungry and needed some comfort food.

Then I fell into fitful slumber, as the person staying in the room above me was quite noisy. What are they doing up there? It sounded like they were picking up duffle bags loaded with body parts (or so my imagination told me) from one part of the room to the other. All.Night.Long.

The Urge to Merge

That is the Immaculate Heart of Mary Retreat Center in Santa Fe, where the workshop is. We had two sessions today, 10:30 to 12:30 and then again from 4 to 6. Kelly gave me this cool ceramic travel tea mug and a little bag of lemon chiffon rooibos tea that tastes JUST LIKE lemon chiffon. It actually has this slightly creamy texture to it that balances the sharpness of the lemon. So I am sipping that and reflecting on the work I did today. I struggled for most of the day with my emotions and with my thoughts--it didn't start out very well, partly because I didn't sleep very soundly, which I usually do. I futzed around my home away from home until it was time to go and as I was heading out the door, took inventory of where I was with myself. Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and feel not just unattractive, not just plain ugly, but actually disfigured? That was me. And all the while I am thinking, What the hell? Questioning why I am here, why I practice yoga, why I don't want to teach, why I quit my job, why I am here alone...you get the drift. Feeling supremely disconnected.

Guess what the theme of the morning sessino was? Connecting. Yes, that's how this all works. The moon waxing in October is the fullest out of the whole year. It is also the time when testosterone and estrogen are at their highest. Babies conceived now have the highest chance of survival. This month, this full moon, creates in each of us the greatest urge to merge, to connect. And part of connecting is also disconnecting. Because when you merge again, it is that much sweeter. I don't remember who in my life once said, "Half the reason for getting up in the morning is knowing you can get back in at the end of the day." And there is truth in that, enough so that I think about it most mornings when my bed is about as comfortable anything anywhere.

As the practice progressed we went deeper and deeper into backbends, which literally open up your chest and your heart. I barely made it to my car in time to sit and cry quietly for a few minutes. I felt bare, exposed, raw, and pathetic. All the moments on Maui over the past 6 years that I have experienced beauty, alone, were condensed into that moment. All the meals I prepared for myself and sat at my dining room table alone, while the sun set, were magnified in that moment. And all the evenings I got into my bed alone and woke up again, alone, were illuminated. And I think for the first time, maybe ever, I gave myself permission to feel how alone I have been and the depth of that loneliness.


I have always felt lucky to have a natural enthusiasm, optimism and exuberance for life. I am also a maximizer, making the best out of pretty much any sitatuion. Because of this, I have been cruising through life, specifically on Maui, happy and light-hearted and just dealing with being alone most of the time. But I never really felt how hard it has been, how draining, until I sat in the front seat of my white Mercury and opened myself up to it.

So it was very fitting for the theme today to be all about why I left Maui, why I had to make some major changes in my life. I have felt disconected for too long.

I came "home", ate some food (including a large portion of dark chocolate) and slipped into a slumber. When I awakened, the skies were the color of soot, heavy and low and suddenly thousands of marble-sized hailstones were competing to get to the earth first. It was a huge release and I watched it with a sense of satisfaction. On the drive back to the retreat center, the air smelled like juniper berries and sage. I felt drained but good, curious about what the afternoon session held for me.

The space we are practicing in is actually a basketball court, but they completely transformed the space for us:




Hard to see, but a nice mural with fingers almost touching over the statue of Shiva Nataraj.

And there is Krishna, adorned and radiant. That one is about 5 feet tall. Nataraj on the left is 4 feet
or so.



So yeah, the afternoon session was lighter, forward folds and talks about the concept of "guru." But all in all, today was about me, I felt, and my urge to merge. To merge with the yoga community, to merge with others on a deeper level, to merge with myself, just to reconnect with the mountains too. I guess half the reason for going to Maui was knowing I could come back. And the same holds true for leaving Maui. It will make my return that much sweeter.


So I end the day with a deep sense of gratitude. What would I do without yoga? Deeply grateful for this practice, that supports me to move deeper and become more and more aware. We're all there for the same reason: want to be free of something. Maybe it's back pain for the person beside me, maybe it's feeling disconnected for me, maybe it's emotional trauma for the woman in front of me, but ultimately, we are all in that room, doing our work, breathing together, merging with the moment and the space and the intention and coming out more vibrant than we were when we stepped back into our first Downward Dog. It's good stuff.

Boulder and Beyond

I still haven't finished writing about the yoga workshop in Jackson, but I will get that posted as soon as I can. It is more reflective than just my journeys and want to give it the focus it deserves. For now, let me fill you in on my time since I left Wyoming.

I flew from Idaho Falls to Boise, then zipped into Denver, where Layla and her 3-year old daughter Isabela, whom I had not met before, picked me up and took me back to their house. I knew Layla and then Emmet, her husband from years ago in Telluride. Layla is an incredible pastry chef and is now quite successful with marketing and selling for Arbonne and Emmet just opend up a little Cuban sandwich and coffee cafe called "Buchi", which is a couple of blocks down the street from their Highlands house, at 2651 W. 38th Avenue. If you are in the area, stop in and get a pressed breakfast or lunch sandwich (pork seems to make an appearance in many of the items!) and a Cuban espresso or cafe con leche.

That is a photo of a shot glass of Cuban espresso, not a cool, foamy dark beer! How about THAT? You can probably guess the voltage of that little glass exceeds your expectation--I got completely wired (although I did have THREE shots over the course of our breakfast there). Emmet gets these crusty mini loaves and stuffs them with all sorts of yummy interior delights and then smooshes them in a panini thing and wraps them in white butcher paper and I can tell you they are incredible and a great price too.

There we all are, with little Isabela. She has this incredible strawberry blond hair and is one of the happiest kids I have been around, super chatty and spirited.

The night before we went out to a New Mexican place and I got cactus! Nopales. I love that--it's so primitive somehow, and I can remember the first time I ate cactus, I was camping in the desert with Swany and our dogs at the time, Teak (the wolf), Bullet (the Rottweiler) and Georgia (my chocolate lab). I think we were in Capitol Reef and I saw that all the cacti had fruited, so we ate the fruits and they tasted like watery strawberries! The nopales that we ate at the restaurant are just the thick green "pads" that have obviously been de-thorned.

Anyway, I hadn't seen Layla or Emmet for 8 years we figured out! They had been in Key West and made it through a handful of hurricanes before throwing the towel in and heading back to Colorado. It is so nice to reconnect with old friends, to find those ways you related before and embrace where they are now and the new qualities they have gained since we last roamed around Telluride, with Disco Night and DJs.

On Tuesday Layla deposited me at Kelly's townhouse in Boulder in the morning and I couldn't WAIT to get out and go for a hike so I went up this little trail that overlooks all of Boulder and about as far as you could see to the north, east and south, and the west you get a perfect view of the Continental Divide! It was sunny and warm and just right for my first day. When Kelly got home we went out for sushi and caught up! She has had her townhouse for about a year and she has great views of the Boulder Flatirons and I love her decorating style, sort of Bohemian mod.

Love those Colorado skies!

Kelly also has an incredible dog, Clio that is an unusual and not seen too often breed called Leonberger. They hail from some German town called Leonberg and as you can see, her other name is "Fuzzy." Here is the description from Wikipedia, and I have to say it is quite accurate:

According to the original purpose, the Leonberger is a large, strong, beast-like yet dainty dog. He is distinguished by his balanced build and confident calmness, yet with quite a lively, friendly temperament. Males, in particular, are powerful and strong. Leonbergers love the water and can hunt for wild salmon in their natural environment(s).

Check her out:

Now, I am going to say something here that many may feel is somewhat blasphemous, but I am going to go ahead and put it in print: After being in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for the weekend, I can't help but observe that something about Colorado, in comparison, seems somehow...light. It's sunny and warm and light and people are sunny and warm and light. Wyoming had corridors of beasts, bison and moose and elk, and then huge predators hyperforaging in their wake. It just felt so much more rugged and wild and dangerous, colder and windier and just plain remote. Which I like. A lot. And then I get to breezy Colorado and I have to admit it just felt a little lightweight compared to the wilderness I had just experienced (on a very small scale) in Wyoming. And I love Colorado. A lot. And I think about the bluegrass fans and the hula hoopers and sure, I am in Boulder which has a really mild climate and lots of really aware people, but I just felt a little wistful for that sense I had in Jackson that you really are in the wild west back there and you are perhaps a few degrees closer to the food chain.

But let's get back to how great Boulder is! And the yoga--so many instructors, so little time. I went to two classes at Om Time, both taught by Tarah, whom I liked immediately and connected with her teaching style immediately, partly because (as we determined) we have a similar practice with similar challenges which meant I integrated her verbal alignments easily. We did a two hour Level 3 practice on Thursday and I got so much out of it! Lots of new poses and assists with other students, forged new territory and had a fun time to boot. I think we would be friends if I lived there. Boulder has lots of options for how to spend your money, which I have been avoiding since I am unemployed and we are facing a recession/depression that seems to be just beginning to rear its head.

Kelly and I made two killer meals, one was butternut squash gnocchi on Wednesday, and Thursday she grilled an organic pork tenderloin with a raspberry chiptole sauce, and we had kale, quinoa and roasted beets. And wine. And watched Grey's Anatomy, which was incredibly disappointing. They gotta spice that show up with more sex or potential sex and some scandal and intrigue.

Today, Friday, I rented a car and drove to Santa Fe for a weekend of yoga with John Friend. The drive was 6 hours, as predicted, but I guess I have been super spoiled from living on an island for the past 6 years, because that was a LONG 6 hours! You head south out of Denver and cross the border into New Mexico right around 3 1/2 hours and just past a charming little town called Trinidad that I stopped in long enough to know I wanted to go back, and to pee.

Right now I am in my room at the Santa Fe Residence Inn Marriott and I have to take a moment to talk about how great Marriott is, as a company to work for as well as a lodging option. If you haven't considered working for Marriott, maybe now is the time. They have fantastic associate benefits, one of which I am exercising now--killer room rates. This place is like a condo--full kitchen, fireplace, couch and king size bed, and everyone is always so helpful and friendly.

The last time I was in Santa Fe was in the summer of, god, when was it? the summer of '96? '97? Not sure, but I came down here for a Widespread Panic concert at the incredible venue Paolo Soleri. I can't seem to find a good site to link you to it, but it was named after an Italian dude who did some incredible stuff with architecture an visioning, basically. Anyway, now that I think about it, I was actually there two summers in a row for two concerts. The second I went to with Kelly's now ex-boyfriend, Mark, who is smart and fun and an incredibly talented graphic designer and that was fun, but the first one really stands out in my mind because at the time I was driving an Isuzu Trooper whose starter had decided to stop working a few months prior to our scheduled rock and roll frenzy. At the time I discovered the starter needed some assistance, it just so happened that I had a Budweiser beer bottle under the driver's seat (don't ask) and it also just so happened that a single tap with that bottle on my starter would encourage the Trooper to roar to life and I would be on my way. My memories of that particular concert in Santa Fe involve me and my companions not being able to find that magical bottle (perhaps one of use wisely decided we should clean out open containers before attending a concert in a different state?) and all of them, all guys, pushing my car across burning hot parking lots , trying to gain enough speed for me to pop the clutch and get us going again. I also sat on my Ray Bans and crushed them on that trip. AND there were forest fires, and we drove through pinon pine and sagebrush smoke through northern New Mexico on the way back to Telluride.

I caught a spectacular sunset this evening:

from outside my room. The clouds around the sun looked like molten bronze, this radiant metallic texture that framed the yolky sun as it slipped from sight. Nice way to start my yoga weekend here, yes?