A Hot Cup of Moment

I passed by this church on my way to and from the retreat center every day. The idea was very fitting for our last day and the theme we touched on (and the theme of this entry).

So Sunday's sessions were better, but only marginally. The morning class was almost all arm balances, which I became convinced I am terrible at. I started class in an OK space, but it quickly spiralled out of control, to where I was feeling like a terrible yogini, questioning why I can't get them, why Marc never teaches them, why I am hiding in the corner of the room...blah blah blah. You get the idea. Arm balances are all about squeezing into your midline, and a lot about trust and having faith, and by the end of class I was on my back watching the clouds outside the windows drifting by thinking, this too shall pass. Thank god for those clouds. The theme of the class was basically about digging in--if you really want something you absolutely have to make the desire to attain it vastly bigger than fear and doubt. I noticed that before I start each pose I have a bfried, yet very real thought (an affirmation, really) that I won't be able to do it! What the hell? No wonder I have been unsuccessful, right?

We talked for a bit about the end of a cycle, and how to experience it as an upward spiral with a celebratory ending, so instead of feeling let down and a little empty, you feel like the moment is reaching this last burst or explosion of energy that launches you out, ready for the next moment. And also about really savoring the moment and drinking in the uniqueness of gatherings like this, to see in an instant, that you will never experience ANYthing again the same way because even if you try to replicate it, some aspect, even if it is just one minor part, will be absent or different. So drink up!

Thankfully it was warm and crystal clear and super sunny out, so on the break I visited a cool booksore called Ark. They have tons of cool stuff, notecards, jewelry, cds, books (of course) and general new agey/Asian-inspired gifts. I could have spent lots more time and lots more money but I managed to get out of there with the new Wah! cd, a pendulum and a pop-up altars book with four deities. But most importantly, I had to get out and sit in the sun for a couple of hours before the final session at 4.

Lots of forward folds, introspection, to round out the weekend. Plus, lots of hip openers. I had forgotten that I dreamt last night that I finally got my foot behind my head and in my dream I thought, It's not so much getting your foot behind your head as much as it is getting your ankle on the back of your neck! And then we did it in class and there was my ankle on the back of my neck! Go figure.

The theme for the last class was all about the student-teacher relationship, symbolized by the sun (teacher) radiating out that revelatory light and the moon (student) reflecting back the light of learning and understanding. We are always in both roles. I sat beside Skeeter and BJ, which was good for me, and also Maryanne Garvin, who used to live in Telluride but is now in Silverton. I liked her immediately and hope we cross paths more often.

I scooted out pretty quickly without a goodbye to John, just wanted to get out of get some space to really digest and absorb my experience over the past 48 hours. That and I wanted to get up to Ten Thousand Waves, this delightful Japanese spa just outside of Santa Fe. On the drive up the canyon I was rewarded with a huge expanse of fading blue sky, purply mountains containing it on either side of the valley, and the full moon rising in the east, while the sun was drifting below the horizon in the west. Both student and teacher, shining and reflecting, together in the same sky.

The spa was fantastic. I have never been to Japan, but this place fits my perception of what it looks and feels like there, with winding gravel paths lit by little lanterns, screen doors separating bathing areas and a bunch of big white people in kimonos wandering about in a massage and hot bath-induced dreamlike state.

You get an idea of what it is like, yes? I went to the women's tub, clothing optional, and encountered 5 lesbians, some of whom were wearing men's boxer shorts and that's it. Everyone else was naked. What were they hiding? I wanted to ask but my fear that they might actually show me held me back. Plus I was plunging into the cold bath and then steaming in the sauna, then back in the cold plunge then back with my new lesbian friends and was just enjoying the high from all the temperature changes that I couldn't be bothered. I had to tear myself away from the gift shop, escaping with a red plastic squirting koi to bring to Townes, my friend's son in Telluride, and I also bought myself this hair stick (FYI: I collect hairsticks, in case anyone is considering how many shopping days are left before my birthday and/or Christmas) that is part of an old kimono encased in plastic. Sounds cheesy, I know, but it is actually really really cool in real life. I will try to get a photo of it on here in case anyone, someone, might care to see it.

On the way back to my home away from home, I did something very uncharacteristic of me, I went to a drive-in at Sonic, and got a grilled cheese!! If you have never tried one, let me tell you, you have been missing out. They use Texas toast (big, thick , fluffy slices of buttery white bread) and a few slabs of easy-to-melt American "cheese" and give it a quick turn on the grill. And it cost less than two dollars. I was quite hungry and needed some comfort food.

Then I fell into fitful slumber, as the person staying in the room above me was quite noisy. What are they doing up there? It sounded like they were picking up duffle bags loaded with body parts (or so my imagination told me) from one part of the room to the other. All.Night.Long.

The Urge to Merge

That is the Immaculate Heart of Mary Retreat Center in Santa Fe, where the workshop is. We had two sessions today, 10:30 to 12:30 and then again from 4 to 6. Kelly gave me this cool ceramic travel tea mug and a little bag of lemon chiffon rooibos tea that tastes JUST LIKE lemon chiffon. It actually has this slightly creamy texture to it that balances the sharpness of the lemon. So I am sipping that and reflecting on the work I did today. I struggled for most of the day with my emotions and with my thoughts--it didn't start out very well, partly because I didn't sleep very soundly, which I usually do. I futzed around my home away from home until it was time to go and as I was heading out the door, took inventory of where I was with myself. Do you ever have days where you look in the mirror and feel not just unattractive, not just plain ugly, but actually disfigured? That was me. And all the while I am thinking, What the hell? Questioning why I am here, why I practice yoga, why I don't want to teach, why I quit my job, why I am here alone...you get the drift. Feeling supremely disconnected.

Guess what the theme of the morning sessino was? Connecting. Yes, that's how this all works. The moon waxing in October is the fullest out of the whole year. It is also the time when testosterone and estrogen are at their highest. Babies conceived now have the highest chance of survival. This month, this full moon, creates in each of us the greatest urge to merge, to connect. And part of connecting is also disconnecting. Because when you merge again, it is that much sweeter. I don't remember who in my life once said, "Half the reason for getting up in the morning is knowing you can get back in at the end of the day." And there is truth in that, enough so that I think about it most mornings when my bed is about as comfortable anything anywhere.

As the practice progressed we went deeper and deeper into backbends, which literally open up your chest and your heart. I barely made it to my car in time to sit and cry quietly for a few minutes. I felt bare, exposed, raw, and pathetic. All the moments on Maui over the past 6 years that I have experienced beauty, alone, were condensed into that moment. All the meals I prepared for myself and sat at my dining room table alone, while the sun set, were magnified in that moment. And all the evenings I got into my bed alone and woke up again, alone, were illuminated. And I think for the first time, maybe ever, I gave myself permission to feel how alone I have been and the depth of that loneliness.


I have always felt lucky to have a natural enthusiasm, optimism and exuberance for life. I am also a maximizer, making the best out of pretty much any sitatuion. Because of this, I have been cruising through life, specifically on Maui, happy and light-hearted and just dealing with being alone most of the time. But I never really felt how hard it has been, how draining, until I sat in the front seat of my white Mercury and opened myself up to it.

So it was very fitting for the theme today to be all about why I left Maui, why I had to make some major changes in my life. I have felt disconected for too long.

I came "home", ate some food (including a large portion of dark chocolate) and slipped into a slumber. When I awakened, the skies were the color of soot, heavy and low and suddenly thousands of marble-sized hailstones were competing to get to the earth first. It was a huge release and I watched it with a sense of satisfaction. On the drive back to the retreat center, the air smelled like juniper berries and sage. I felt drained but good, curious about what the afternoon session held for me.

The space we are practicing in is actually a basketball court, but they completely transformed the space for us:




Hard to see, but a nice mural with fingers almost touching over the statue of Shiva Nataraj.

And there is Krishna, adorned and radiant. That one is about 5 feet tall. Nataraj on the left is 4 feet
or so.



So yeah, the afternoon session was lighter, forward folds and talks about the concept of "guru." But all in all, today was about me, I felt, and my urge to merge. To merge with the yoga community, to merge with others on a deeper level, to merge with myself, just to reconnect with the mountains too. I guess half the reason for going to Maui was knowing I could come back. And the same holds true for leaving Maui. It will make my return that much sweeter.


So I end the day with a deep sense of gratitude. What would I do without yoga? Deeply grateful for this practice, that supports me to move deeper and become more and more aware. We're all there for the same reason: want to be free of something. Maybe it's back pain for the person beside me, maybe it's feeling disconnected for me, maybe it's emotional trauma for the woman in front of me, but ultimately, we are all in that room, doing our work, breathing together, merging with the moment and the space and the intention and coming out more vibrant than we were when we stepped back into our first Downward Dog. It's good stuff.